Confessions of a "Child-Free by Choice" Fertility Coach

I HAVE TO CONFESS SOMETHING. I DIDN’T START OUT ON THIS PATH BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE MORE FERTILE. IT WASN’T BECAUSE I WANTED A BABY IN MY LIFE; IT WAS BECAUSE I DIDN’T FEEL WORTHY OF ONE.

I STARTED OUT LOOKING AT MY LIFE AND THINKING “SURE, SOME DAY, WHEN I’M READY.” WHERE I WAS AT THE TIME, I REMEMBER THINKING, “...THIS WORLD IS A MESS. MY LIFE IS A MESS. WHY WOULD I BRING A BABY THROUGH WHEN I’M BARELY ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF?”

WHEN I FIRST STARTED OUT DOING THIS WORK BACK IN 2006 ON A HUNCH AND A PRAYER THAT BEING ZEN ABOUT OUR FERTILITY COULD HELP THE OUTCOME, I PINNED DR. BRUCE LIPTON DOWN AT A TALK ON EPIGENETICS HE GAVE IN PALO ALTO. I NEEDED TO KNOW. I HAD QUESTIONS. HE GAVE ME HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER AND SAID ‘CALL ME AFTER THIS EVENT, YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY ON THE RIGHT TRACK AND I WILL SEND YOU RESEARCH TO PROVE IT.’ BLESS HIM FOR TAKING THE TIME TO DO THAT. THAT WAS MY BEGINNING.

I AM 100% CERTAIN THAT HAD I STARTED TO TRY HAVING A BABY BACK THEN, I WOULD’VE COME UP AGAINST MY OWN FERTILITY ROADBLOCKS. NOT TO MENTION PARENTING. AND HOW I KNOW IS BECAUSE I HAD ALREADY BEEN PUSHING UP AGAINST LIFE IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS, FOR FAR TOO LONG. LET’S JUST SAY MY GARDEN PATCH WAS BONE DRY AND FULL OF WEEDS (AND EMPTY WINE BOTTLES), AND WORST YET, I DIDN’T CARE. I WASN’T HONORING THE LIFE I’D BEEN GIVEN. 

AND FERTILITY, WELL, IT’S REALLY ABOUT LIFE ISN’T IT.

I REALIZED A LONG TIME AGO I FELT LIKE I WAS HALF ALIVE. I BECAME NUMB. I LOST MY SPARK. I DIDN’T KNOW IT AT THE TIME, BUT I HAD CUT MYSELF OFF FROM LIFE’S PURITY, INNOCENCE AND JOY- THE VERY “FERTILE FREQUENCY” THAT KEEPS LIFE GOING. I ABORTED AND ABANDONED MY OWN INNER CHILD AND I WAS FIGHTING HARD TO WIN HER BACK. WITHOUT HER, I COULDN’T HOLD (OR USE) THE KEY TO MY LIFE PURPOSE. (YES, OUR INNER CHILD HOLDS THAT KEY. )

SO I GOT HONEST WITH MYSELF. I STOPPED SELF MEDICATING AND GOT SOBER (BEST AND HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO DO). I STARTED PAYING OFF MY DEBTS AND MAKING AMENDS. I FORGAVE MYSELF AND OTHERS (A LIFELONG PURSUIT). I SET BOUNDARIES. I EMBRACED MY SHARP EDGES AND SHADOW, UNTIL SHE BECAME GENTLE AND SOFT AND WISE. ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER AND I STARTED BEING FASCINATED BY LIGHT, ENERGY, HEALING, AND CONSCIOUSNESS. I THAWED OUT. THE CLOUDS WERE CLEARING. I WAS ACTUALLY FEELING... HAPPIER. I LEARNED TO LOVE MYSELF AND THE LIFE I WAS BORN INTO.

IT WASN’T ABOUT FERTILITY AT ALL, BUT SOMETHING FAR GREATER THAT IT SYMBOLIZES. IT BECAME ABOUT MOTHERING AND BIRTHING *MYSELF*. 

I STARTED THINKING, WHAT IF EVERYONE DID THIS FOR THEMSELVES BEFORE THEY BECAME PARENTS? OH WHAT A WORLD IT COULD BE!  DOCTORS AND LAWYERS SPEND 8 + YEARS STUDYING AND PERFECTING THEIR CRAFT. WHERE IS THE TRAINING FOR THOSE NOBLE PARENTS WHO ARE LITERALLY CREATING OUR FUTURE OF EARTH? 

AS IF AWAKENING FROM A DEEP SLEEP, I REALIZED I WANTED TO SERVE THE BIGGER PICTURE. I FELT URGENTLY PULLED TO “GET TO WORK” IN WHAT I NOW CALL BIRTHING THE LIGHT AND HELP CONTRIBUTE TO CREATING A BETTER WORLD. AND IF A BABY CAME IN THE END OF IT, WONDERFUL. BUT IF IT DIDN’T, WONDERFUL. I KNEW MY PATH WAS TO SERVE THE MAKING OF A BETTER WORLD WHEREVER THAT TOOK ME. IT DIDN’T MATTER. I WENT INTO DEEP HONEST CONTEMPLATION. “WHAT WOULD IT ACTUALLY TAKE FOR THIS WORLD TO BECOME BETTER? AND WHAT COULD MY HUMBLE LITTLE ROLE BE IN IT?” I HEARD A VOICE. IT SAID, “START AT THE BEGINNING OF LIFE. BUT THE BEGINNING IS EARLIER THAN YOU THINK.” YET MORE DEEP CONTEMPLATION., PULLING ON THAT LITTLE SILVER STRING THAT LEADS FURTHER AND FURTHER DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE...

IT DIDN’T START WITH THE CHILDREN. AND FOR MOST, IT DIDN’T EVEN START WITH THE PARENTS. IT WAS IN LINEAGES. IT WAS IN CULTURES. IT WAS IN BROKEN SYSTEMS. IT WAS IN THE WAY WE TREAT ANIMALS AND EARTH. EVERYTHING WAS INTERWOVEN, ALL LEADING BACK TO LIFE ITSELF BEING HIJACKED, DISTORTED OR CUT OFF FROM US IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. WE BECAME DISCONNECTED FROM SOURCE.

ONE THING I’VE ALWAYS KNOWN TO BE TRUE IS THIS: LIFE IS SACRED. WHERE WAS THE SACRED IN ALL OF THIS RAT RACE?

THEN I HEAR THE WHISPER “…KEEP GOING…”WE ARE MADE OF STARLIGHT…”

ANYTHING THAT HELPS RESTORE ENERGY FLOW IN THE BODY AND CONNECT BACK TO THE SOUL WILL SURELY HELP OUR HEALTH, RIGHT?

SOMETHING THAT WOULD HELP PARENTS CLEAR THEIR PAST PAIN SO THEY COULD BRING A CHILD INTO A MORE BEAUTIFUL WORLD FOR BOTH OF THEM COULD SURELY BE A GOOD PLACE TO BEGIN, I THOUGHT.

SOMETHING THAT WOULD HELP “DEPROGRAM” THE PATTERNS AND HABITS THAT MAKES US FEEL CONTROLLED, FEARFUL, DRAINED, FEEL ‘LESS THAN’, OR MAKE US HURT OURSELVES AND OTHERS. OPENING THE CAGE DOOR WASN’T ENOUGH. WE HAD TO TAKE THE CAGE AWAY ENTIRELY. WE HAD TO REMEMBER WE HAVE WINGS!

REGARDLESS OF WHAT WE BIRTH INTO THE WORLD, COLLECTIVELY I KNOW WE ALL WANT TO BIRTH A BETTER ONE. EVERY SOUL HAS ITS PATH ON THIS EARTH SCHOOL. FERTILITY JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE IT SPELLED OUT FOR US: IT IS ABOUT ACTIVATING THE FULLNESS AND POTENTIAL OF LIFE WITHIN US.

DURING OUR ENCOUNTER, DR. LIPTON TOLD ME THAT IT IS OUR ENVIRONMENT THAT BRINGS ABOUT THE POTENTIAL OF A CELL’S DNA. THAT MEANS OUR INNER AND OUTER ENVIRONMENT. A CELL WILL NOT REPRODUCE ITSELF IF ITS ENVIRONMENT IS NOT SAFE TO DO SO.. OR WON’T ALLOW IT TO THRIVE. FROM THAT INTERVIEW HE WENT ON TO SAY IT IS OUR MIND, OUR SOUL, OUR EMOTIONAL WELL BEING, AND WHAT WE SURROUND OURSELVES WITH THAT MATTERS MOST.  AND HOW MANY OF US HAVE BEEN PARENTED IN A LESS THAN IDEAL WAY AND THOUGHT WE WERE PAST IT? HOW MANY OF US FEEL ENSLAVED TO AN ENVIRONMENT THAT IS NOT IDEAL TO US? I KNOW I WAS. AND I HAD TO ROLL UP MY SLEEVES AND DO THE BEAUTIFUL HARD WORK OF LOOKING HONESTLY AT MY LIFE AND WHAT I WANT TO BE CREATING. DARING TO RISE TO HEIGHTS I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WAS POSSIBLE UNTIL I MET MY HIGHER SELF, AND HUGGED THAT INNOCENT HURT INNER CHILD THAT ONLY WANTS TO FEEL SEEN AND SAFE. 

I’M CONVINCED THAT I CAN’T HAVE A BREAKTHROUGH UNTIL I FIRST BREAK FREE. AND FOR ME THAT MEANT BREAKING FREE OF THE BONDAGE OF EGO SELF; FROM MY SMALLNESS, FROM NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF AND THE WORLD, AND FROM MY OWN TENDENCY FOR SELF CREATED DISCONTENTMENT. AND WHEN I MADE THE COMMITMENT, MY TRUE DIVINE POTENTIAL WAS BORN.  I STILL MUST TEND TO IT. AND TENDING IT HAS ITS OWN FRUITFUL REWARDS.

SOMETIMES IN ORDER TO GET TO HEAVEN WE NEED TO FIRST BACK OUT OF HELL.  I THINK THAT’S WHAT THEY MEANT WHEN THEY SAID SOMETIMES IT NEEDS TO GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER. THE EGO JUST HAS A REALLY HARD TIME LETTING GO, BUT THE HIGHER SELF IS WAITING FOR US WITH OPEN ARMS. AND OH HOW LOVELY AND CONTENT SHE IS!

I DIDN’T END UP CALLED TO BIRTH CHILDREN BUT I DID END UP BIRTHING (AND COACHING) A LITTLE MORE LIGHT INTO THE WORLD. AND TO THIS END, LIFE COULDN’T BE MORE FULL.

 

DO YOU FEEL CALLED TO BIRTH THE LIGHT? I’D LOVE TO KNOW IF SOMETHING IN HERE RESONATES WITH YOU.

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